Today. Tomorrow. I cannot understand why I am this scared. When my mind was jumbled I could write to clear it again, but now it is different. My mind is twisted and distracted to the point that I cannot put one coherent thought together. The days go by. Days I wish I were living more. When I do not have time to do the things I want, it is all I can think about. Now, I have all the time in the world and I cannot bring myself to focus. There are many things that come into my mind, and will not leave me alone. Almost as if they are looking for closure or waiting for someone to tell them it is alright. To have the reassurance just for one second that maybe just maybe my decisions are the best I can do. Mistakes so many mistakes. Mistakes that did not last long enough. Why can I not stop thinking about him, it is wrong and it is over. But it is still there. Just might need to tell myself it is ok to still hang on. There is so much I want in my life, to strive for and discover. I came across a list I made about 5 years ago. It was called “Things I Must do Before I Die”. So far I have only actually achieved one, got my skydiving license. You would think that in five years I would have made more of a dent. In about two months I will be on my way to fulfilling another one. I will be living in
Confusion. I want to go back, but I cannot live the way I did before the break. I need to know someone truly cares about me. Words fall too quickly to the ground. I have been here too few years to feel this damn old. I have just been saying things will change, it will get better. I will see again, what I once saw in those eyes. Eyes that spoke beyond the words. What are words but merely precursors to false pretenses? How much are you supposed to put into a hope before you must officially call it dead? Everything is too late. Great. What am I supposed to do now? It is a simple act, but one full of meaning. Then I would be yours for the taking. But no. It is not there, so Love is nothing but a state of mind. A state of mind that I lost back when I lost faith in you. It used to be strong, I used to be strong. Now, nothing resides except for weakness. Why do I do this to myself? I keep going back, but I keep moving around. Is it me or the world around me? How can people be so hurtful and deceitful? I simply do not understand it. I want to look into another’s eyes and see truth. Someone who can wear their core on their sleeves and be completely comfortable. I am tired of false people talking to me about nothing, stupid conversations. The conversations that go around and come back the next time. They are on a never-ending merry-go-round in society. It is almost like society’s specialty. On today’s menu, the same this from yesterday.
WANTED:
